It has been a looong time since my last confession. Exam week comes and goes, and finally I have the free time that I always wanted to waste writing in this blog. Since I have lots of time to spare, and in a jolly good mood (my exam paper was superb!!weehee!!), I would like to share a secret, my one secret. That is, ‘My Reason Why’.
The first time I put a proper tudung on my head was in Convent High School. Back then it was suddenly made compulsory for Muslim girls to wear tudung to school. So I put it on, as much as I hated it, just to attend school. And on the way back to school, right after the school bell rings, off goes my tudung straight into my school bag. Not that I wanted to show off my hair to others, but I have a pretty good Reason not to wear it. On my tudung there’s my nametag. So if I were to go out in Kajang with my name on display, you have no idea how much these so-called ‘bird-callers’ will be howling my name. Tudung didn’t stick onto my head that much at that time. Even when my best friends are wearing it, I didn’t like the idea of it.
After my high school years, I went to Matrix Kulim Kedah. Now in Matrix, it is also compulsory to wear tudung. Many had thought that my one-year stay at the Matrix made me want to wear tudung permanently. Well, at least my matrix friends did. (Fooled them once..heh). Sadly, no. Because Matrix Kulim made such a fuss about wearing tudung, such as you are not allowed to wear tudung with flowers or multi-colour printing, the brooch must be no bigger than a 50cent coin, the brooch may not consists of ‘batu permata’, and the tudung must be pinned on the shoulders and must cover the boobs. Okay the boobs part was acceptable but the reason they gave was “kena tutup harga diri (signaling the boobs) sebab nanti kalau lelaki nampak lelaki tak boleh focus belajar”. Okay, Reason Num. 1, my dignity is IN me, it is what I HAVE. It is not however, my boobs. They are a part of my body God had created for me, and Mom gave it to me. Reason Num. 2, who gives a crap about guys cannot focus on they own studies? Their lost, not mine. I mean, you come all the way to this giller-secluded area to study, and you throw it all the way because you saw boobs? Geez. Talk about being desperate. So, again, the introduction to tudung-wearing is not that convincing to me.
Then, I went to UTeM. For the first time in my studying-life tudung is just another option. You wear it, you don’t wear it, and it’s the same thing! Here, anything goes. So I spent my 1st year without one. I felt free. I felt confident. I felt like I was so unique, I was the talk of the moment at one time. My Matrix Kulim friends got to know I was ‘free-hair’ and when they saw me they consider me as walking around naked. (must be the dignity in the boobs thing). And I noticed I attract the wrong sort of people too. By people I mean guys, desperate and needy guys. One word to describe them, ‘EWW’. Once there was one guy who CHASED me down a flight of stairs just to beg me for my phone number. This same guy also waited for me in the library and told me if we were to bump into each other again for three times, I have to give him my phone number. To cut a long story short, thanks to Boy-Next-Door, he didn’t get my phone number. There’s this other guy who waited for me at the toilet for my phone number. I tell you the guys in UTeM have to learn the dignity in the boobs thingy. Then they have something else better to do.
By the time I entered my 2nd year, I felt too obvious. I felt like I was being watched where ever I go. I felt uncomfortable. I did not felt like myself most of the time. I want to be invisible and noticeable at the same time. Then, the very 1st time I wanted to put on a tudung…..Nooo, there was no deep spooky voice from the sky saying “AYIIN..PAKAII TUDUUNG”, like that wont freak me out even more.
Okay, so the very first time I wanted to wear tudung, there’s a Little Voice in my head that said “Its ok to let go. You did everything, wore short skirts, did your hair up, did your hair down, and dressed up without wearing a tudung.. You know how it felt like, now its time for a new feel, a new state of mind, a new perspective, a new skin, not to mention new sets of accessories…” I know, I know, sounds a wee bit crony but anyway, then I knew. Mom and dad went to Hajj that year and I knew they can accept me wearing tudung (hard on bapak..still working on it..), so I guess the timing is good. I knew it was hard. Knew it from the start. Dugaan came sploshing on me non-stop everyday, every time. My Kulim friends thought I was playing around with tudung-free hair-tudung phase, and this time will be the same. (Fooled them twice..hehe). Everybody was a wee bit shocked with me wearing tudung. I best friends from high school thinks I went ‘alim’ after Matrix Kulim. As they are now the new ‘free-haired-girls’ (from wearing tudung to a kononnye happening transformation of not wearing one), they say as we got older we are supposed to get naughtier, clubbing, partying while wearing little branded-high- fashion-clothes, that kind of thing. They also thought that I will be The One to start it all off. I guess they were a bit disappointed with me. I was, with them too. Suddenly I was the ‘alim’ one how doesn’t know what Starbucks Coffee is. They assume I have no idea what is a Guess bag or Gucci sunglasses or Prada shoes, that all I wear now is plain tudung and plain jubah. All because I wear tudung, so I am a kampung girl. At this point, I learnt that BFFs, or best friends forever, is so over-rated.
It is still hard for me to face the challenges of wearing a tudung. Which is crazy considering we live in an Islamic country and tudung is not so life threatening. Some take it for granted, some takes it a wee bit seriously (the boobs is the dignity crap, yeah..). As for me, tudung is just another scarf. It is also a part of who I am now. I am more of myself with tudung than without it. I know myself better. And when others made me feel bad about wearing it, I know I have a thicker skin to brush them all off. Its what Bapak told me one day in the car…But that is another story. But for now, finally, you know The Reason Why.
Me with a Reason
The first time I put a proper tudung on my head was in Convent High School. Back then it was suddenly made compulsory for Muslim girls to wear tudung to school. So I put it on, as much as I hated it, just to attend school. And on the way back to school, right after the school bell rings, off goes my tudung straight into my school bag. Not that I wanted to show off my hair to others, but I have a pretty good Reason not to wear it. On my tudung there’s my nametag. So if I were to go out in Kajang with my name on display, you have no idea how much these so-called ‘bird-callers’ will be howling my name. Tudung didn’t stick onto my head that much at that time. Even when my best friends are wearing it, I didn’t like the idea of it.
After my high school years, I went to Matrix Kulim Kedah. Now in Matrix, it is also compulsory to wear tudung. Many had thought that my one-year stay at the Matrix made me want to wear tudung permanently. Well, at least my matrix friends did. (Fooled them once..heh). Sadly, no. Because Matrix Kulim made such a fuss about wearing tudung, such as you are not allowed to wear tudung with flowers or multi-colour printing, the brooch must be no bigger than a 50cent coin, the brooch may not consists of ‘batu permata’, and the tudung must be pinned on the shoulders and must cover the boobs. Okay the boobs part was acceptable but the reason they gave was “kena tutup harga diri (signaling the boobs) sebab nanti kalau lelaki nampak lelaki tak boleh focus belajar”. Okay, Reason Num. 1, my dignity is IN me, it is what I HAVE. It is not however, my boobs. They are a part of my body God had created for me, and Mom gave it to me. Reason Num. 2, who gives a crap about guys cannot focus on they own studies? Their lost, not mine. I mean, you come all the way to this giller-secluded area to study, and you throw it all the way because you saw boobs? Geez. Talk about being desperate. So, again, the introduction to tudung-wearing is not that convincing to me.
Then, I went to UTeM. For the first time in my studying-life tudung is just another option. You wear it, you don’t wear it, and it’s the same thing! Here, anything goes. So I spent my 1st year without one. I felt free. I felt confident. I felt like I was so unique, I was the talk of the moment at one time. My Matrix Kulim friends got to know I was ‘free-hair’ and when they saw me they consider me as walking around naked. (must be the dignity in the boobs thing). And I noticed I attract the wrong sort of people too. By people I mean guys, desperate and needy guys. One word to describe them, ‘EWW’. Once there was one guy who CHASED me down a flight of stairs just to beg me for my phone number. This same guy also waited for me in the library and told me if we were to bump into each other again for three times, I have to give him my phone number. To cut a long story short, thanks to Boy-Next-Door, he didn’t get my phone number. There’s this other guy who waited for me at the toilet for my phone number. I tell you the guys in UTeM have to learn the dignity in the boobs thingy. Then they have something else better to do.
By the time I entered my 2nd year, I felt too obvious. I felt like I was being watched where ever I go. I felt uncomfortable. I did not felt like myself most of the time. I want to be invisible and noticeable at the same time. Then, the very 1st time I wanted to put on a tudung…..Nooo, there was no deep spooky voice from the sky saying “AYIIN..PAKAII TUDUUNG”, like that wont freak me out even more.
Okay, so the very first time I wanted to wear tudung, there’s a Little Voice in my head that said “Its ok to let go. You did everything, wore short skirts, did your hair up, did your hair down, and dressed up without wearing a tudung.. You know how it felt like, now its time for a new feel, a new state of mind, a new perspective, a new skin, not to mention new sets of accessories…” I know, I know, sounds a wee bit crony but anyway, then I knew. Mom and dad went to Hajj that year and I knew they can accept me wearing tudung (hard on bapak..still working on it..), so I guess the timing is good. I knew it was hard. Knew it from the start. Dugaan came sploshing on me non-stop everyday, every time. My Kulim friends thought I was playing around with tudung-free hair-tudung phase, and this time will be the same. (Fooled them twice..hehe). Everybody was a wee bit shocked with me wearing tudung. I best friends from high school thinks I went ‘alim’ after Matrix Kulim. As they are now the new ‘free-haired-girls’ (from wearing tudung to a kononnye happening transformation of not wearing one), they say as we got older we are supposed to get naughtier, clubbing, partying while wearing little branded-high- fashion-clothes, that kind of thing. They also thought that I will be The One to start it all off. I guess they were a bit disappointed with me. I was, with them too. Suddenly I was the ‘alim’ one how doesn’t know what Starbucks Coffee is. They assume I have no idea what is a Guess bag or Gucci sunglasses or Prada shoes, that all I wear now is plain tudung and plain jubah. All because I wear tudung, so I am a kampung girl. At this point, I learnt that BFFs, or best friends forever, is so over-rated.
It is still hard for me to face the challenges of wearing a tudung. Which is crazy considering we live in an Islamic country and tudung is not so life threatening. Some take it for granted, some takes it a wee bit seriously (the boobs is the dignity crap, yeah..). As for me, tudung is just another scarf. It is also a part of who I am now. I am more of myself with tudung than without it. I know myself better. And when others made me feel bad about wearing it, I know I have a thicker skin to brush them all off. Its what Bapak told me one day in the car…But that is another story. But for now, finally, you know The Reason Why.
Me with a Reason
