The One with The Dungeon

And my fairy tale continues with the battle of the so-called knight of shining armour and the fierce dragon. Let us try to imagine, that the so-called knight of shining armour had faced scorching heat and razor sharp fangs of the relentless dragon, his rusty armour collapse piece by piece, without water, clean air and omg..underpants!

That is a very intriguing continuation of my tale. Yes, it is not over yet..just yet. My great story continued un-expectantly  when the forces of nature reveals the reason, the true solid reason of why the dimwit so-called knight of shining armour left the find the dragon in the first place.

Now, let me tell you this so-called knight of shining armour's side of story. Let us put our feet in his stinky rusty armour's boots and share his feelings, his worries and his  unstable future. While riding his grizzled stead, he was forced to throw his plans, his ideas and his future dreams away. He pushed out all plans of happily ever after out of his head, and had to accept the fact that his damsel in distress, is not in distress after all. 

In fact, it turns out that his damsel in distress is ruining his plans, his ideas and his planned out future. Out of all the places his beloved damsel can go to, she went to HIS dungeon of nightmare. Legend has it if she knows what lies inside of the dungeon, she will 'lost' all her memories of him and may never even recognize him at all.

And darn it the legend is so true! And I am sure that many will fear this dungeon of nightmares, many will run away from this hell-hole, parents will scare their youngs by retelling tales from this city of pain and agony. 

But unfortunately for our so-called knight of shining armour, his particular damsel went head on through the dungeon, suffered the insensitive contour of this region of darkness (or is it the mighty colour of coffee of the day?), devilish heat that blazed on her cheeks, (the espresso machine?), and the unforgivable torturers that lies deep inside the dungeon. (the customers?partners?or some un-named manager?..hmmm..)

So, I hope u can imagine why that our pea-brain so-called knight of shining armour panicked, and grab his greying horse, and flea on his toes in his search of the dragon. Still cannot get the picture? Okay. 

While the damsel strolled through the dungeon, she found out all the deceit, the lies and the endless cheating that her 'world' posses. All this betrayal scared the sh** out of her. She starts to hasten her pace, her eyes can't hold the horrid details of such a man, her mind can't seem to catch up, and her tears starts flowing. 

She starts to run, because one thing this damsel can do, is running, no, sprinting in the search of the light, any tiny blinking light, and then she stopped. She stood still, and slowly turned to face the beast that will torture her day and night. She studied the beast, its rows of sharp jagged fangs, its evil eyes, and its foul breath.(she is a smoker, I mean, IT is a smoker..).  As the beast licked its black lips, our damsel closed her eyes, waiting for the strike from the beast's ugly claws. 

But then something fluttered in out little damsel's heart, that the beast did not understand. A whisper of courage, a wisp of hope and a whole lot of attitude, our damsel locked her eyes with the beast's and softly said, " Screw you..". She amazingly smiled a wicked smile to the beast, turned around, and walk out of the dungeon. 

While skipping happily out of the all the mess, she realized that all of the mess that the so-called knight of shining armour stored in HIS dungeon, that haunts her dreams, that is in the core of her fears, and the only thing she's been running from, is NOT HER PROBLEM. 

She shed her damsel's state of mind and turned into a quarrelsome vixen. Now the ones who should run away from her is the beast and the so-called knight of shining armour, because our new vixen is their new nightmare.

When she stepped out of the dungeon, she noticed everything changed. The air she breathe in is lighter, the sun shines brighter and the atmosphere ease her mind to focus on her new life. A single life, a vixen's life, a simpler life than she imagined. She is blessed with all sorrows she lived through, glad that she went through her gloomy days, and survived being a damsel in distress. She felt free to ride the wave, follow a tide and navigate her own ship. She no longer need a knight to live her life. She needs more than just a Boy, more than a man, more than just a knight. What she needs now, is a mysterious star to guide her sail. For she have absolutely no fear to 'start all over'..

And what ever happens to our so-called knight of shining armour you asked? Still lost in the search of the dragon? Or he happened to be the dragon's last meal, you wonder? Well, how the hey should I know?! I'm not the so-called knight of shining armour I've been telling you about. Ngeeh...All that I, or the vixen can say is "Sucks to be him.."

 

A song that went doink on my nose..

Knew the signs
Wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK

But I was
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

So much hurt,
So much pain
Takes a while
To regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time,
You'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you

But now I'm
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach,
So far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Out of reach,
So far
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there
For me..

Gabrielle- Out of Reach-

The One With a Lost Knight

As i sat alone, completely alone, in a place that is not strange to me (utem) with a Jane Austen book on my lap, I cannnot help but wonder how nice it was when everything else was too far away. when work or masters and soo little pay jobs fits under the category 'Life after this..'. When my love life still makes sense, every morning, evening and night. When the goal of the day was achieved by the end of it. And when everything is actually not as hard as it seems.

So now, sitting on an oddly placed chair in the middle of an alleyway, I miss the things that I hate about this place. And all because of..(hmm..not sure what should I call this reason of mine..)..my so-called knight in shinning armor, who went on an adventure to slay a dragon, and seems to have lost his way back. 

Yes, I can make my own hard-core fairy tale, complete with vampires and werewolves and witches owh-my!

The things i miss the most about this place is the free-will I had in me. When i put my head into something here, it usually works out right. Not exactly in a way that I want it to be, but it unfolds in the palm of my hand, or my stomach for that matter. But now, owh how things have changed. Now, I haven't plan anything up in my head just yet, and the plans or lack of it, go berserk in my hand, all the way down to my dirty-yet-chocolaty-green apron. 

I remember how alive i was in this rut-place, comparing to how dull and dead-like i am right now. I am not saying that I am in the condition of 'mandi tak basah, makan tak kenyang..' I still eat a lot and mandi more than twice a day unless i want to smell like kopi busuk. I am jaded, and have lost my free-will.

I'm sure everybody have their butterflies in their stomach moments, like I do, every time that pea-brain-so-called knight in shinning armor hasten to call my name. He let loose 1000 colorful butterflies fluttering in my stomach just by saying my name..that dumb-wit-pea-brain-jerk! 

So now, the butterflies aren't flying no more. All 1000 colorful butterflies all stomped up by the ugly orge that the imbecile so-called knight in shinning armor was chasing on.

Slowly but surely I am beginning to unravel that life, mine at least are not easy as it is meant to be. I always use a 'line is not always straight'. To think of how many friends I had help using this 'line is not straight', ha! Owh and not to forget this line that I always use 'Everything will be fine, if you just talk to him..'. Hmm..if only they can see me now.

Comparing myself and past-me in the last 4 years that I spent here, I am jealous of my past self because I was magically-bubblely happy. And the state that I am right now is magically-murkyly gloomy.

All things pushed aside, I do wished that I will not lose faith in myself, that I will find every 1000 colorful butterflies and trap them in my stomach. I will find my free will, and my reason to be magically happy. I am determine to find my own happily ever after, even if i have to slay 1000 dragons just to conquer one. Hmm..better start with an expedition to find the map of to which locates those ferocious beasts. Better yet, screw the so-called knight in shinning armor, I'll just find a magician to guide me to my happy ending instead.

(..then I'll umpan the so-called knight in shinning armor into the cave where the ferocious dragons are, with his shinning armor rusting and a numb blade..haha!)

The One with No Dragons

It had been YEARS since my last confession. And my life is not so 'ha-ha' anymore. I'm sure everybody's been told that a grown-up life is not that easy. Hearing me said that made me raise my own eyebrows. Who am i to say what is a grown-up life. I'm no where near to be a grown-up. You can say that I am somewhere stuck in between a cry-baby and a mature lady. (which when I come to think of it, not near that either..) But I know I have to GROW. 

I have been so gloomy lately. I was not happy with everything in my life at one point and I scribble this down just to calm myself down.

1st July 2008

I am 23 years old, and I'm depressed;

I have words too big for me to utter, thoughts to crucial to just be a whisper;

I need your undivided attention so that i feel grounded;

I thought I can do anything and everything my way, but Doubt always know how to find me;

I have Dreams, so bright that it outshines the sun, but Clouds knows how to blind it;

I have Hope, so high, but it came tumbling down as easy as Rain;

Even my Ambition flew away, and I have no chance of Chasing it.

I thought my heart can conquer a Dragon, but it is as fragile as a broken butterfly wings.

    

I am not sure if we can called it a poem, because it does not sound like one. And i was just trying to calm myself down, and it did. It made me think about what to do next, to get myself out from this rut. Hmm..

I am still in this rut. I am calm, straight minded (HA!) but still in the rut. I've finished my degree, will be graduating with honors in August.I hold a degree in manufacturing engineering, and currently I am a Barista at Starbucks Coffee, earning my life a cup at a time. Why i didn't get a job in my field on study? I just dont feel like it just yet. I know, I know, you feel like slapping me right now or scolding me for being so 'buat bodo' about it. I have spent more than 4 years leaning about technical terms and machines and productions owh my! And now, i want to know something else. Something that amuse me through and through. What i want to do know is to explore myself, recognize my limits and push it as far as it can be. Bend all the rules that I made myself without breaking it. And the big QuestionS now, can i handle it? Or am I too late to do this? 

Will the people who are dear to me understand what I am going through? I know for a fact that one person does not. Breaks my heart to accept this. Shattered me to my core. This is the part where the Dragon and butterfly comes in.(refer above) But I don't think I'm ready to tell you more about this, just yet. I think I will, but not just yet. 

I watched a movie alone earlier this week. Mom freaked out about it (sorry mom). So there I was, in the theater with the whole row all to myself, with my feet up on the front seat, which was also empty, a tumbler of Hazelnut Host Chocolate in hand, enjoying my own bravery of doing this. I felt so good about it. I know some of my friends said that watching a movie alone in the theater are for losers, with a big "L". I think i deserve to hike up that title for a while. I am entitled for it. Well, we cannot appreciate the glory of a win when we have never been lost.

Anyway, I was so moved by the movie, Wanted. Miss Jolie is my favorite actress, so I love this movie. Fox, the character played by Ms Jolie was so in control of her life, that she let it go for Fate to catch her. This opened my eyes a bit. The last line in this movie was "What have you done lately?", opened my eyes even more. Actually, it open my mind and shut off the tear-ducts in my eyes. Haven't been crying so much since I watched that movie. 

What I really want right now is a sign that says its okay. I know this is not the end of the world. But it is the end of my own idea of the perfect ending, which is "..and they live happily ever after."

Guess I have to slay a different Dragon now..

The One with The Reason Why

It has been a looong time since my last confession. Exam week comes and goes, and finally I have the free time that I always wanted to waste writing in this blog. Since I have lots of time to spare, and in a jolly good mood (my exam paper was superb!!weehee!!), I would like to share a secret, my one secret. That is, ‘My Reason Why’.
The first time I put a proper tudung on my head was in Convent High School. Back then it was suddenly made compulsory for Muslim girls to wear tudung to school. So I put it on, as much as I hated it, just to attend school. And on the way back to school, right after the school bell rings, off goes my tudung straight into my school bag. Not that I wanted to show off my hair to others, but I have a pretty good Reason not to wear it. On my tudung there’s my nametag. So if I were to go out in Kajang with my name on display, you have no idea how much these so-called ‘bird-callers’ will be howling my name. Tudung didn’t stick onto my head that much at that time. Even when my best friends are wearing it, I didn’t like the idea of it.
After my high school years, I went to Matrix Kulim Kedah. Now in Matrix, it is also compulsory to wear tudung. Many had thought that my one-year stay at the Matrix made me want to wear tudung permanently. Well, at least my matrix friends did. (Fooled them once..heh). Sadly, no. Because Matrix Kulim made such a fuss about wearing tudung, such as you are not allowed to wear tudung with flowers or multi-colour printing, the brooch must be no bigger than a 50cent coin, the brooch may not consists of ‘batu permata’, and the tudung must be pinned on the shoulders and must cover the boobs. Okay the boobs part was acceptable but the reason they gave was “kena tutup harga diri (signaling the boobs) sebab nanti kalau lelaki nampak lelaki tak boleh focus belajar”. Okay, Reason Num. 1, my dignity is IN me, it is what I HAVE. It is not however, my boobs. They are a part of my body God had created for me, and Mom gave it to me. Reason Num. 2, who gives a crap about guys cannot focus on they own studies? Their lost, not mine. I mean, you come all the way to this giller-secluded area to study, and you throw it all the way because you saw boobs? Geez. Talk about being desperate. So, again, the introduction to tudung-wearing is not that convincing to me.
Then, I went to UTeM. For the first time in my studying-life tudung is just another option. You wear it, you don’t wear it, and it’s the same thing! Here, anything goes. So I spent my 1st year without one. I felt free. I felt confident. I felt like I was so unique, I was the talk of the moment at one time. My Matrix Kulim friends got to know I was ‘free-hair’ and when they saw me they consider me as walking around naked. (must be the dignity in the boobs thing). And I noticed I attract the wrong sort of people too. By people I mean guys, desperate and needy guys. One word to describe them, ‘EWW’. Once there was one guy who CHASED me down a flight of stairs just to beg me for my phone number. This same guy also waited for me in the library and told me if we were to bump into each other again for three times, I have to give him my phone number. To cut a long story short, thanks to Boy-Next-Door, he didn’t get my phone number. There’s this other guy who waited for me at the toilet for my phone number. I tell you the guys in UTeM have to learn the dignity in the boobs thingy. Then they have something else better to do.
By the time I entered my 2nd year, I felt too obvious. I felt like I was being watched where ever I go. I felt uncomfortable. I did not felt like myself most of the time. I want to be invisible and noticeable at the same time. Then, the very 1st time I wanted to put on a tudung…..Nooo, there was no deep spooky voice from the sky saying “AYIIN..PAKAII TUDUUNG”, like that wont freak me out even more.
Okay, so the very first time I wanted to wear tudung, there’s a Little Voice in my head that said “Its ok to let go. You did everything, wore short skirts, did your hair up, did your hair down, and dressed up without wearing a tudung.. You know how it felt like, now its time for a new feel, a new state of mind, a new perspective, a new skin, not to mention new sets of accessories…” I know, I know, sounds a wee bit crony but anyway, then I knew. Mom and dad went to Hajj that year and I knew they can accept me wearing tudung (hard on bapak..still working on it..), so I guess the timing is good. I knew it was hard. Knew it from the start. Dugaan came sploshing on me non-stop everyday, every time. My Kulim friends thought I was playing around with tudung-free hair-tudung phase, and this time will be the same. (Fooled them twice..hehe). Everybody was a wee bit shocked with me wearing tudung. I best friends from high school thinks I went ‘alim’ after Matrix Kulim. As they are now the new ‘free-haired-girls’ (from wearing tudung to a kononnye happening transformation of not wearing one), they say as we got older we are supposed to get naughtier, clubbing, partying while wearing little branded-high- fashion-clothes, that kind of thing. They also thought that I will be The One to start it all off. I guess they were a bit disappointed with me. I was, with them too. Suddenly I was the ‘alim’ one how doesn’t know what Starbucks Coffee is. They assume I have no idea what is a Guess bag or Gucci sunglasses or Prada shoes, that all I wear now is plain tudung and plain jubah. All because I wear tudung, so I am a kampung girl. At this point, I learnt that BFFs, or best friends forever, is so over-rated.
It is still hard for me to face the challenges of wearing a tudung. Which is crazy considering we live in an Islamic country and tudung is not so life threatening. Some take it for granted, some takes it a wee bit seriously (the boobs is the dignity crap, yeah..). As for me, tudung is just another scarf. It is also a part of who I am now. I am more of myself with tudung than without it. I know myself better. And when others made me feel bad about wearing it, I know I have a thicker skin to brush them all off. Its what Bapak told me one day in the car…But that is another story. But for now, finally, you know The Reason Why.

Me with a Reason

The one with the Mustard and Tabasco

It’s a known fact that I’m a freak. Among my sisters, my family and some of my friends, I really don’t mind that they call me that. I mean, everybody is different and unique, just like everyone else. But I can assure you that I am a different kind of different. When people call me freak, I like it, even proud, super duper proud of it. Because I’ve dealt with my freakiness, embrace it, and even swear my life by it. Because I know it’s a part of me, and I cannot ignore that part of me.
How do I know I’m a freak? Thanks to my sisters of course. They say it shows brilliantly through the colors that I always picked out (nemo colors bright yello, sakit mata green etc.), the bangles and bracelets I have, the weird cartoons I like to see even though I’m 22 years old, the amount of food I eat per meal (its quite a lot f.y.i, my dad thought he had another son once I ate in front of him.) and to the vibrant shoe collection of mine. (ceeewah..!!collection..!!huhu!!) And what I love about my siblings the most is that they don’t mind me being the way I am, even though I’m a bit ‘off’ sometimes. They even encourage the freakiness in me.
I bet you must be wondering why Mustard and Tabasco sauce by now. It seems to be that I have discovered yet another unusual thing about my self. Nowadays, (its been 2 weeks to be excact..) I eat EVERYTHING with mustard and Tabasco sauce. At first its just some added flavor to the plain hotdog and eggs. (another f.y.i, I absolutely CANNOT cook..at least for now..in Melaka). Then its with plain ayam goreng. Then its with fish fillet that Mom gave me, and butterhead salad, and coral salad, to maggi ayam, to plain old roast bread. And in all that 2 weeks i stuff myself with mustard and tabasco, i still have no idea what exactly is mustard and tabasco.heh..but i do know its not healhty. i can even hear my sister's voice as i splash more and more mustard on my hotdog, "ayin thats not good for you".
i wonder i'll have this yellow and red cravings in the ramadhan month. Maybe i'll try something different by then, say sambal belacan with gardenia bread, or laksam with thousand island dressing. hmm..never tried budu or cencalok before, even though i'm a melacaan for 4 years.hmm.. but for now, i'll stick with mustard and tabasco..

The one with the 1st time

This is my 1st time blog. I've seen my sister done it, and my brother, and now i think i can handle one myself. Having all the time i want here in melaka, i thought i had tons of work to do. Woke up even before the birds, namely the one bloody crow that always 'CWARX!' outside my window, i start off with my assignments. 3 hours later, i have nuthing to do on a Sunday morning. I'm not a workaholic, well, at least not yet, but i really hate the fact that i have nuthing to do. No good books around me, no good food, no good tv shows or movies, no interesting places to go (not interested anyway), i beginning to hate Sundays. Which is weird considering many hate Mondays, never a Sunday.HAih..
So this is blogging. all these time i thought blogging is just a waste of time. Now i am willingly wasting it, coz i have nuthing else better to do!!..Wait till my dad hear me saying that, he'll tell me to climb up a tree sumwhere. i read somewhere if you want to keep a conversation going, you should ask the person you talking to about him/herself..hmm..
So i am a 4th year student studying in melaka, studying material engineering. this is my last year here, and i'm making every momentt of it counts, well at least i tried. i'm 22 years old and still clueless (proud of it!!) and the big brat of my family (also very proud of it!). My hometown is kajang and no, i'm not a BIG fan of satay kajang. It is just meat on a stick for me. ok..since thisis my 1st time blogging, i think i'll stop just rite here, but never fear, i'll talk about myself from time to time..to keep this going.. ;) i wanna see hat more i can do here..