It had been YEARS since my last confession. And my life is not so 'ha-ha' anymore. I'm sure everybody's been told that a grown-up life is not that easy. Hearing me said that made me raise my own eyebrows. Who am i to say what is a grown-up life. I'm no where near to be a grown-up. You can say that I am somewhere stuck in between a cry-baby and a mature lady. (which when I come to think of it, not near that either..) But I know I have to GROW.
I have been so gloomy lately. I was not happy with everything in my life at one point and I scribble this down just to calm myself down.
1st July 2008
I am 23 years old, and I'm depressed;
I have words too big for me to utter, thoughts to crucial to just be a whisper;
I need your undivided attention so that i feel grounded;
I thought I can do anything and everything my way, but Doubt always know how to find me;
I have Dreams, so bright that it outshines the sun, but Clouds knows how to blind it;
I have Hope, so high, but it came tumbling down as easy as Rain;
Even my Ambition flew away, and I have no chance of Chasing it.
I thought my heart can conquer a Dragon, but it is as fragile as a broken butterfly wings.
I am not sure if we can called it a poem, because it does not sound like one. And i was just trying to calm myself down, and it did. It made me think about what to do next, to get myself out from this rut. Hmm..
I am still in this rut. I am calm, straight minded (HA!) but still in the rut. I've finished my degree, will be graduating with honors in August.I hold a degree in manufacturing engineering, and currently I am a Barista at Starbucks Coffee, earning my life a cup at a time. Why i didn't get a job in my field on study? I just dont feel like it just yet. I know, I know, you feel like slapping me right now or scolding me for being so 'buat bodo' about it. I have spent more than 4 years leaning about technical terms and machines and productions owh my! And now, i want to know something else. Something that amuse me through and through. What i want to do know is to explore myself, recognize my limits and push it as far as it can be. Bend all the rules that I made myself without breaking it. And the big QuestionS now, can i handle it? Or am I too late to do this?
Will the people who are dear to me understand what I am going through? I know for a fact that one person does not. Breaks my heart to accept this. Shattered me to my core. This is the part where the Dragon and butterfly comes in.(refer above) But I don't think I'm ready to tell you more about this, just yet. I think I will, but not just yet.
I watched a movie alone earlier this week. Mom freaked out about it (sorry mom). So there I was, in the theater with the whole row all to myself, with my feet up on the front seat, which was also empty, a tumbler of Hazelnut Host Chocolate in hand, enjoying my own bravery of doing this. I felt so good about it. I know some of my friends said that watching a movie alone in the theater are for losers, with a big "L". I think i deserve to hike up that title for a while. I am entitled for it. Well, we cannot appreciate the glory of a win when we have never been lost.
Anyway, I was so moved by the movie, Wanted. Miss Jolie is my favorite actress, so I love this movie. Fox, the character played by Ms Jolie was so in control of her life, that she let it go for Fate to catch her. This opened my eyes a bit. The last line in this movie was "What have you done lately?", opened my eyes even more. Actually, it open my mind and shut off the tear-ducts in my eyes. Haven't been crying so much since I watched that movie.
What I really want right now is a sign that says its okay. I know this is not the end of the world. But it is the end of my own idea of the perfect ending, which is "..and they live happily ever after."
Guess I have to slay a different Dragon now..
